My friends are all gearing up for Summer Vacation. A few weeks, a couple months, off from the normal grind of lesson planning, lesson execution, homeschool activities. In theory, I should be gearing up for the same type of break myself. In theory. Instead I’m planning to school Drayken throughout the summer so that in the fall, I’ll be able to focus on the other two. Part of me realizes that I’m clearly a genius. I’ll have less pressure on myself this fall to make Kindergarten part two (he’s repeating Kindergarten because… well.. he’s not ready for first grade material) happen daily. I’ll be able to do 1-2 days a week of school with him so that I can better focus on fifth grade. Fifth grade. Those words freak me out. That means I have two homeschool years left before both of my older children are, theoretically, ready for middle school. How is this even possible?
Another part of me is fairly certain that I’m running. You see, when I take a break from school, I’m obligated to work on my other stuff. Mandy’s stuff. My writing, my reading, my art, my exercising, my cooking, my cleaning, my doctor’s appointments. If I don’t take a break from schooling, I have a real good excuse not to do any of those things. I have a perfect explanation for why that play I need to write won’t get written. There will be reason for my other stuff to remain untouched, half complete, for all of eternity.
Not to mention the fact that I cannot possibly give myself permission to rest. If I rest, I might have to deal with emotions and other junk that I’d prefer to shove down deep until a glass of wine makes them come pouring out.
Why do I feel the need to assign myself to many things? Why must I be a writer and an artist on top of being a homeschool mother? There isn’t enough time and energy for all of those things!
When will I ever feel good enough with just being?