I’m Mad

My dear friend who has been battling cancer just sent me a text telling me she’d learned today of an acquaintance her age being diagnosed with the stage four version of the cancer she herself has. She said the news pissed her off. It pisses me off too.

I’m pretty mad in general right now.

The more that I think about the people who keep have dropped out of our lives, who haven’t fought even one iota for the relationships I thought meant something to them, the madder I get.

The more I think about the family member who chose to cut me and my children out of his life for four years, the madder I get.

The more I think about how it would feel if he did that again, the madder I get.

The more often I see my children cry over the friends who have been ripped from their lives because mom and/or dad decided something or other about their mom and/or dad, the madder I freakin’ get.

Life is short. It is so very short. When we find someone who loves us, even if they are imperfect, even if they screw up, even if they have a lot of work to do, why do we think it’s even an option to cut them out of our lives? Why aren’t we more prone to remaining loyal to people we supposedly love?  What gives anyone the right to decide that you are no longer worthy of their love? Please, someone, tell me the answer to this question.

I cannot sleep at night I am so often awake pondering why and how anyone would be willing to walk away from my family, knowing it must be breaking the hearts of my children. Yet, if they came back now, I’d never be able to trust again because if they did it once, they might do it again. And once I’ve gotten them over this hurt, I swear, you may have to fill out an application and sign a bloody contract before I ever let you close to my kids again.

What has this world come to that we are so covered up with close friends that it’s absolutely nothing to just discard one once in a while, much like you might toss out last season’s shoes or an old newspaper?

I am just so tired of it. I’m exhausted and weary and, sadly, quite leery as well.

None of us are promised tomorrow. I keep wondering what would they say of me, if I died today? “She was a whore and I am glad she’s out of my life.” “What a loser that Mandy was. Good riddance.” It’s hard to imagine anything else after the way I’ve been treated.

But I know in my heart of hearts that I was a good friend. I cared. I listened. I helped out. I loved. I stepped in. I served. I was there.

If they can’t see that, then whatever.

But it doesn’t change the fact that I am mad. Madder than hell. And frankly, I am so mad, I might be blogging about it a lot until the anger fades and all that is left are the memories, and the trust issues, and the ashes of friendships that seemingly never were mixed with ashes of my former self.

For this is all part of my journey.

And I supposed it’s part of my children’s journeys as well though I think that really sucks. It really really really sucks.

After this though, I swear, if you hurt my children, you will be dead to me.



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